I can't believe how long its been since I wrote my last post...but I've been busy between preparing to move, finishing up my rotation, and replacing as much of the stuff that I lost as I can!
I've also been reading. I borrowed every single book about moving in together from pretty much every library in the western suburbs. There really aren't very many on the topic. Perhaps a new ambition for me? Reading is certainly going slowly, but I'm already learning. Now I've gotten weird reactions when people find out that I'm reading books on this topic, but this is my best defense against the unknown-learning as much as I possibly can to prepare myself.
I had drinks with a long-time friend, Carling, on Saturday. We first met in mother-daughter book club the summer before we started third grade and reconnected in high school. She was part of our 8th period lunch table senior year (well, the first semester at least) when Dan and I started dating. In fact, it was Dan's obvious crush on her that made me jealous enough to actually take matters into my own hands and ask him out.
When Dan and I sat down at the lunch table the Monday after our first date, Carling blurted out "your kids will have beautiful hair!" Obviously this was more than a little terrifying to hear 2 days into our relationship, but lets hope it holds true (just not right away). Carling and Dan have stayed in touch since high school as well. Carling's favorite topic when one of us gets together with her, is when the next step is going to happen. As far as I know, she's the only person who knows how Dan is planning to propose to me. I resisted begging her to give me a hint, but I'm dying with curiosity.
Additionally, Carling and I broached my other favorite topic: the move in! She seemed surprised that I didn't sound as optimistic about the situation as maybe I should have. I've gotten the whole spectrum of reactions when I talk about moving in with him. Some people are neutral, others gush about how wonderful it will be, and a handful semi-reluctantly warn me about the trials of other couples they know who have moved in together.
Now, I'm optimistic that the big move-in won't be the end of our relationship of anything like that. But I do know it will be a challenge (hence the blog). My first of 5 or so books about moving in together provided a list of cohabitation commandments. The one that I'm trying to prepare myself for is "Thou shall expect the first six months to be rocky." I assume every day won't be a bad day, and maybe it won't take quite as long as six months, but its nice to think that by the end of January (schedule, yay!) we will have settled into a routine and learned to cope with all of each other's quirks we've managed to avoid dealing with after dating long-distance for so long.
When people ask why we've decided to move in together at this point, my normal response is "It just makes sense". After reading just this first book, I fully understand that living together to save money is an awful idea. I won't deny that this is part of the appeal (although with the way we've decided to split rent I'm actually paying more than I am now, but for a nicer place too), but it makes sense in the continuation of our relationship as well. I originally didn't intend to move in together until we were engaged, but sometimes real life interferes with plans, and I'm actually okay with that in this instance. The book I just finished reading outlined an entirely new stage of relationship called "a little bit married" (also the book title), which is essentially a serious, long-term relationship (more than a year) that frequently involves the couple living together. However, it is before an engagement takes place. Such relationships are increasingly common and people who have experienced them and later married did insist that the marriage was not any less special due to cohabitation. In fact, couples who don't live together before marriage are now actually in the minority. The more I think about it, it might be nice to have sorted out (or at least started to) our living situation before I start battling the moms about wedding planning.
The one small benefit to Dan staying up in North Dakota longer (probably through the middle/end of July although he is coming home to help move in) is that I have more time to research and prepare. We've started the discussions about managing money (my job), divided up some of the pre-moving responsibilities (not without a battle/bitchy email from me), and he fully understands that there will be a chore chart on our fridge from day 1 (my book confirmed that this is in fact NOT an absurd idea). Obviously there is still a lot to figure out though. Good thing my social calendar becomes a little bit less crowded after next week-I'll need plenty of reading time! By the way, any and all advice is appreciated.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Sunday, June 3, 2012
You're A Trooper
Last night I lost a lot of things. I lost my peace of mind. My sense of security. My confidence. I also lost my iphone aka tonka truck-my life, my brand new purse that I was so excited to find at Trends the other weekend, an umbrella Dan's mom brought me back from Italy, about $10 in cash, 3 credit cards, my Chicago Card, my driver's license, my debit card, a handful of coupons and rewards cards, a picture of me and Dan, my CVS, Jewel, and Binnys rewards cards, my wallet (at least that I was planning to replace soon!), my Aon IDs, some tampons, chapstick, a set of car keys, keys to my apartment, a key to my mom's house, key to my file drawer at work, my mailbox key, and worst of all-my rings. In the place of all these things I got fear, regret, what-ifs/I should haves, my first experience filing an insurance claim, a confused sense of reality and both admiration and pity.
I went out to dinner for Laura's birthday with a group of friends. In the interest of saving money, calories, and my liver, for the third night in a row, I declined going out for a drink. I was pretty content to be heading home around 9:45 on a Friday night. It had been a disastrous workday with my computer not functioning remotely and finally being told around 11:30am that I should probably go into the office. At that point I figured I may as well just stay there until Laura's dinner at 8....working from 1:45-7:30 on a Friday afternoon/evening is not exactly ideal. Once I missed the train by mere seconds I figured out it wasn't going to be my day.
Then the restaurant didn't have our dinner reservation. I made a reservation through Open Table last Saturday. Laura wanted to make sure we got to sit at a particular table so she called Wednesday evening. They didn't have my reservation so she made another one. In the interest of preventing a dual reservation (things working at Winberies has taught me...) I cancelled my reservation Friday afternoon when I received a reminder email. We get to the restaurant and they have my cancelled reservation, not Laura's. Thankfully we got seated and everything was wonderful. Mike, Dan, and Mike's friend Steve spent dinner pestering me to go out with them. We were planning on a big night out tonight with all of Laura's HS friends so I wanted to pass for all the reasons listed above. I managed to convince them I didn't need to go with them and headed home.
I took the train home instead of walking since I was wearing heels and got off at my usual stop with a bunch of other people. Was texting Allison, Dan, and Laura on the way back to arrange plans for tomorrow and just chat in general. As I turned onto the street my apartment is on the corner of, I realized that I meant to go to Jewel to pick up a couple of things. Figuring I would just go home to change shoes and then head back over, I kept walking. When I was about 45 seconds away from my apartment, I noticed two guys walking towards me. I thought nothing of it and glanced down again at my phone. Before I realized what was happening, my phone was snatched out of my hands and not 10 seconds later the second guy is fighting me to get my purse too. The whole ordeal couldn't have lasted more than about 30 seconds looking back on it but it seemed like forever at the time. As I started yelling for help, I noticed there was someone in her car on the street. It turned out to be the girl who lives across the hall from me (Jessie) who was a huge help that evening. Some people in a building nearby were having a small party so there were quickly 10 other people down on the sidewalk, only 1 of whom saw anything though.
At this point I have nothing except the clothes I'm wearing and a purse handle. In the age of cell phones, I also don't know the number of anyone who has keys to my apartment. I try to call Dan, doesn't answer. I try my Dad. He answers and although I didn't know it at the time started heading into the city to get me. Dan called back so he was able to tell Tim to bring me my keys. In the meantime, Jessie and I sat in her car while I tried to get in touch with my roommate. She had my old roommates number-he didn't have my current roommates though. I tried calling 1 of the 5 other numbers I know (next to Dan, my parents' cells and 3 for Allison)-my ex-boyfriend who is also good friends with my roommate. No answer. Police come, I tell my story, they take down the witnesses stories too. Keep asking for descriptions of the guys. I couldn't tell them much else than what you read in police blotters all the time: African American, probably between the ages of 20-25, wearing hoodies, jeans, gym shoes, no facial hair or distinguishing features that I noticed. That only describes how many thousands of people in this city?! Jessie and the other witness saw the car they were driving but didn't know which way they were headed so not much of lead there either. It had temporary plates which suggested it might have been stolen too. Convenient.
Fortunately one of my sorority sisters, Alison, lives in the same building as me. I noticed the lights on in her apartment but saw her roommate leave earlier and figured I could wait up there for Tim to arrive. I wasn't up there very long before I saw him and Sam (girlfriend) pull up in front. My roommate got home around the same time, convenient. Tim and Sam came bearing hugs and lots of gifts but all I could really focus on was getting to my computer, figuring out if I had enabled enough stuff to track my phone (I hadn't) and getting on phone calls with the banks. While I was on the phone with Chase, I got a report of fraudulent activity from Capital One in my email. My mom had to take care of her American Express. Fortunately (haha), I never changed my old address so even though these guys attempted to use 2 of my credit cards at about 7 different gas stations in total, they were never able to charge anything without the correct zip code.
Before Tim left he insisted I call Dan since he was freaking out. Tim's assessment was that he was more terrified of the situation than I was. I'm not sure that's necessarily true. He could feel terrified, he didn't have to do anything else. I had to deal with banks asking endless security questions, trying to recall what was in my purse, filing a police report, and keeping my wits about myself so I didn't make everyone around me collapse as well. Tim also mentioned that his mom's going to find out about this at some point. He was willing to spill the news but I'd probably have to deal with it soon. Fortunately, I just had a long chat with my favorite almost MIL on Thursday so not due for another heart-to-heart very soon. I also recognized that Dan and Mike were going to be on my case next time they saw me-a correct assessment.
I did eventually pack stuff together and go back to my mom's house for the night-mainly because I needed access to a phone and didn't have anything to speak of besides 1 old credit card (thank you Chase guy for telling me to hold onto it in case of emergency) and a check book. Once at my mom's, I filed a claim with my renters insurance-I had no idea they covered property away from home too. Fortunately my tax return will cover my $500 deductible but even that won't be enough to cover the cost of replacing my iPhone. So much for a boost to my savings account. I also deactivated and requested a new Chicago Card. Wasn't easy to sleep last night...maybe got 4 hours all together but fortunately I had gotten 9 the night before so wasn't too bad (getting too much sleep is NEVER a good thing!!). Fun morning trip to the DMV especially after realizing we had to go back to my apartment first because I hadn't brought all my file folders I had set aside. Also forgot my keys but luckily my new living room roommate heard me knocking. Got yelled at by the DMV chick for not changing the address on my license when I moved last year-apparently I could have gotten a ticket for that. Overall not too miserable of an experience-didn't even have to get a new picture taken!
And then came football. I thought it would be a good release and I didn't want to let my team down so I went there after getting my new license. Mike walks towards me and gives me a hug as soon as I get there. And as I go over to the rest of the group its evident that either Tim, Sam, or Mike filled them in on everything. Dan was being a wuss and wasn't there yet but thankfully he showed up later or he would have gotten a serious talking to about me showing up despite my disastrous night whereas he let a little hangover keep him down. Playing football was fun, and for 40 minutes I kind of forgot about last night. We also won, which was awesome.
Although as recently as yesterday at approximately 10:10pm I was planning to go to Will's (our sponsor bar) with my team after the game, I suddenly had any number of other things to take care of-most urgently being my phone situation. I knew there was no way my old Blackberry would last me another 14 months and I wouldn't be able to get a phone other than the iPhone again. Thankfully customer loyalty paid off and the Cellular Connection (non-corporate Verizon store in River Forest) was able to give us a good deal which involved a complicated exchange of canceling lines, setting up new lines, switching numbers, and all sorts of fun. Having a phone back made me feel a little bit more normal although I lost all my pictures (they're on my computer/facebook for the most part but still) and any contacts I added from the time I got my iPhone. I'm still very happy I held onto the Blackberry though so at least I had some numbers! Its been a pain to download all my apps again and such (including making the find my iphone app work on the first day!!!) but it is what it is. The guy was trying to encourage me to get insurance for the phone this time but I guarantee you I will never get a phone stolen again and I'll end up getting cell phone insurance the rest of my life. I haven't decided what to do yet. It'll be at least $160 outright and will be in the mid $300s if I do have to replace my phone for any reason. Ugh, decisions, decisions.
So I had a phone and a drivers license and 1 credit card. And $35 in cash from my dad. Time for something to put them in! I had intended to ask my mom for a new wallet for my birthday this year so I bought myself a nice one, charged it to her Lord & Taylor card and decided she got my present early this year. I'm really excited about it but if God forbid something were to happen again I'd be pretty mad about losing a nicer wallet. I took wrong turns twice on the way home which added an additional 10+ minutes to the drive. Definitely distracted. Made it back in time to help Erica finish getting ready for the 8th Grade Dinner-another great distraction.
Then came my night. I was supposed to make Laura chocolate chip cookie dough cheesecake bars as her birthday treat. Not wanting to let her down, I went to Jewel and set to work at my mom's. I messed up the recipe a bit but I think they still turned out okay. Also wasn't able to refrigerate them as long as they should have been but that's fine too. After I put them in the oven, I finally got around to calling Allison. I had emailed Dan and Laura last night, called Dan, fb chatted Melissa and Laura (my friend from school I was supposed to spend the day with/was texting last night before the incident) and a few other assorted people knew from word of mouth. I hadn't responded to Allison's post on my fb wall but knew I had to tell her. That was a long conversation and she shared the terrified feelings as well. Since I wanted to stop by Laura's, I showered and scrounged up combinations of the few clothes I brought as well as my mom's and Erica's to put together a reasonably normal outfit.
It was then that I realized I wasn't wearing my rings and they were in my wallet. I take them off when I'm playing sports so that don't get damaged and I had never put them back on after volleyball on Wednesday night. I had thought about it a number of times and just never when I was within reach of my wallet I guess. For the first time since the ordeal began, I burst into tears. The only other time I came close was when I was talking to the State Farm claims agent on the phone today and he told me "I'm not supposed to show emotion or anything but I just feel really awful that this happened to you". Teared then, didn't sob. This was sobbing. I called Dan to break the news-he didn't answer so I left a marginally coherent voicemail. I called Allison again still sobbing. Dan called back while I was on the phone with her so I switched over. He said the "right" things. It doesn't matter. I'm just glad you're okay. You'll get a different and better ring soon, I promise. I knew he was hurt I wasn't wearing it and that I lost it. Other than his car I think my promise ring was the most expensive thing he's ever purchased. It was the one thing that was taken from me that truly has sentimental value that can't be replaced. He gave me the ring for my 21st birthday, just before I studied abroad. My 3 months in Poland were single-handedly the hardest point in our relationship. I was looking forward to the day when I took that ring off and put on an engagement ring and then a wedding ring instead. I wanted this to become a family heirloom that I could give to my daughter so that she understood that love was worth fighting for, as hard as it was sometimes. And I know that we still have the promise that the ring represented, but every time I look down at my empty finger, I'll think of Friday night. And every time I see Dan's ring that I gave him on his 21st birthday, I'll wish I had mine. Whenever that day comes when I do get a different ring from him, I'll miss the fact that I don't have one to swap out.
In addition to Dan's ring, I also lost my claddagh ring from my nanny, Maura. She gave me one for my first communion and then this one for my confirmation since I obviously needed a bigger ring. The claddagh ring is also a symbol of my heart being "taken". I'm not sure I'll replace that one either. Once again, the sentimental value of it is really more important to me than having the ring itself on my finger.
I did make it over to Laura's. I wasn't particularly in a socializing mood and when I got there it was very evident that everyone there knew what happened as well. People were asking me about it, excepting me to be a nutcase, basically anything other than just calm. "You're such a trooper" "I would be curled up in a ball somewhere right now". Those were the girls phrases. Dan told me off for fighting back. Mike was furious he wasn't there. Steve (Mike's friend) provided the "told you so" for not going out to drink with them. Everyone had an opinion or questions or felt the need to offer condolences or something like that. No one's response seemed to be what I needed to hear, although I'm not sure what that was. Eventually I was just over it. I knew I wasn't in the mood to socialize and since no one was else had different topics to discuss and I had nothing to offer I kept my stay pretty short.
Unfortunately that brought me back to my fear of returning to the scene of the crime. I was scared walking between my car and Laura's. But I didn't say anything. I managed. I was scared of driving back to my apartment. Even though my driver's license had the wrong address what if they somehow figured out where I live? What if they're doing something weird with my information? They could very well still be able to access anything that's stored on my phone, I have no idea. Or maybe there was something else in my purse I forgot about that might identify me more. I'm scared of walking down past the spot where it happened. I made my dad drive by it yesterday and down the alley the guys drove/escaped down but I wasn't alone or walking outside then. I can't let myself be scared of walking alone, but I am. I used to think I lived in the safest neighborhood in the city, and I still kinda think that, but what does that mean for everywhere else? Fortunately I'm moving in 4 weeks, but am I going to be scared until then? I normally park my car on that street, right near that place I was mugged frequently. I don't know how I'll walk home at night without freaking myself out. Obviously sticking to the busy streets and not talking or texting on my phone, but is that enough? How is it that I manage to walk home a couple of miles drunk and at 2am (not advocating this as a good idea, by the way) without incident but sober at 10pm on a beautiful night ends up as a disaster? I was an easy victim obviously, and I actually think I pay more attention if I've been drinking and it's late because I understand the risk is greater-or is it?
I guess I'm at a point where I don't know exactly how to deal with this. Although I talked to a detective today, realistically nothing is going to come of the case unless the car is spotted and linked to these guys. I'm sure I'll never see any of my stuff again, although that was part of the purpose of driving around-just to see if anything fell out. Other than the fear, I've experienced a whole realm of emotions. I was pissed off-both at these guys and at myself. It was so easy to think of 20 little decisions I could have made different that wouldn't have put me in that specific place at that specific time. Although if it weren't me, it would have been someone else exactly like me, and do I really wish that on some else? At least I know that I have the support system and the mental strength to get through this. I'll be scared for awhile, but not the rest of my life. I'll certainly feel better when Dan is back and I won't be walking home alone at night all the time. I'll also feel better when I move to a new apartment so my address and neighborhood are different. I'll feel better when time passes and memories fade (both mine and other people's I hope).
I don't feel like I deserved that. For all those three guys are I know, I might be helping their younger siblings, cousins, even children get a better education through my work with Big Shoulders. My monthly donations to Boys and Girls Club, Civic and Arts Foundation, Chicago Engineer Society, and St. Clements might be helping their neighbors or friends. I worked hard to get into a good college. spent a year trying to find a job, and used my own money to pay for everything they stole from me minus the gifts. Not that someone who didn't do all these things deserves to be stolen from, but still.
It also made me think, what about these guys' families? Do they have a mom or a dad or siblings who know they do this? I don't necessarily like this traditionally conservative argument, but if we can save the integrity of a family do we intrinsically help society as a whole? Do these guys think what they're doing is right? If so, how? More than anything, these types of questions are probably reflective of my Jepson education and maybe a bit of my Catholic upbringing, especially though service work.
I'm starting to understand why women who get raped are resistant to talking about it. I didn't even think twice about calling the police, but I'm not sure how comfortable I am with random people knowing about the situation. Granted, I am posting the blog now so in theory anyone and everyone could know about it. My main incentive for doing this is that I needed to tell my story to something that doesn't talk back. The dogs are still in the burbs (although we had 3 lovely outings together today!) so the blog it is. No one I've talked to seems to give a response I want to hear. People are silent, pitiful, astonished, impressed, happy that I'm okay. I think what they're all rooted in is fear though. This provided me with a strong reminder that I'm not invincible. In fact, I'm pretty vulnerable just like everyone else. But I don't really like to be reminded of that, and I don't think many people would. So if you're reading this, and have made it to the end, please don't try to talk to me about it. It was horrible, and it sucked, but going to work on Monday is going to be miserable if this is all we talk about at lunch. And every time I see someone I haven't seen since this incident happened is going to suck because they might bring it up. I'll make up excuses for why I have a new phone or wallet or whatever, just let me have them. If you do want to talk, send me a message on facebook or an email, it's easier that way and doesn't involve other parties in the conversation. Until I truly am over this, I guess I'll just keep being a trooper because honestly, what else is there to do?
I went out to dinner for Laura's birthday with a group of friends. In the interest of saving money, calories, and my liver, for the third night in a row, I declined going out for a drink. I was pretty content to be heading home around 9:45 on a Friday night. It had been a disastrous workday with my computer not functioning remotely and finally being told around 11:30am that I should probably go into the office. At that point I figured I may as well just stay there until Laura's dinner at 8....working from 1:45-7:30 on a Friday afternoon/evening is not exactly ideal. Once I missed the train by mere seconds I figured out it wasn't going to be my day.
Then the restaurant didn't have our dinner reservation. I made a reservation through Open Table last Saturday. Laura wanted to make sure we got to sit at a particular table so she called Wednesday evening. They didn't have my reservation so she made another one. In the interest of preventing a dual reservation (things working at Winberies has taught me...) I cancelled my reservation Friday afternoon when I received a reminder email. We get to the restaurant and they have my cancelled reservation, not Laura's. Thankfully we got seated and everything was wonderful. Mike, Dan, and Mike's friend Steve spent dinner pestering me to go out with them. We were planning on a big night out tonight with all of Laura's HS friends so I wanted to pass for all the reasons listed above. I managed to convince them I didn't need to go with them and headed home.
I took the train home instead of walking since I was wearing heels and got off at my usual stop with a bunch of other people. Was texting Allison, Dan, and Laura on the way back to arrange plans for tomorrow and just chat in general. As I turned onto the street my apartment is on the corner of, I realized that I meant to go to Jewel to pick up a couple of things. Figuring I would just go home to change shoes and then head back over, I kept walking. When I was about 45 seconds away from my apartment, I noticed two guys walking towards me. I thought nothing of it and glanced down again at my phone. Before I realized what was happening, my phone was snatched out of my hands and not 10 seconds later the second guy is fighting me to get my purse too. The whole ordeal couldn't have lasted more than about 30 seconds looking back on it but it seemed like forever at the time. As I started yelling for help, I noticed there was someone in her car on the street. It turned out to be the girl who lives across the hall from me (Jessie) who was a huge help that evening. Some people in a building nearby were having a small party so there were quickly 10 other people down on the sidewalk, only 1 of whom saw anything though.
At this point I have nothing except the clothes I'm wearing and a purse handle. In the age of cell phones, I also don't know the number of anyone who has keys to my apartment. I try to call Dan, doesn't answer. I try my Dad. He answers and although I didn't know it at the time started heading into the city to get me. Dan called back so he was able to tell Tim to bring me my keys. In the meantime, Jessie and I sat in her car while I tried to get in touch with my roommate. She had my old roommates number-he didn't have my current roommates though. I tried calling 1 of the 5 other numbers I know (next to Dan, my parents' cells and 3 for Allison)-my ex-boyfriend who is also good friends with my roommate. No answer. Police come, I tell my story, they take down the witnesses stories too. Keep asking for descriptions of the guys. I couldn't tell them much else than what you read in police blotters all the time: African American, probably between the ages of 20-25, wearing hoodies, jeans, gym shoes, no facial hair or distinguishing features that I noticed. That only describes how many thousands of people in this city?! Jessie and the other witness saw the car they were driving but didn't know which way they were headed so not much of lead there either. It had temporary plates which suggested it might have been stolen too. Convenient.
Fortunately one of my sorority sisters, Alison, lives in the same building as me. I noticed the lights on in her apartment but saw her roommate leave earlier and figured I could wait up there for Tim to arrive. I wasn't up there very long before I saw him and Sam (girlfriend) pull up in front. My roommate got home around the same time, convenient. Tim and Sam came bearing hugs and lots of gifts but all I could really focus on was getting to my computer, figuring out if I had enabled enough stuff to track my phone (I hadn't) and getting on phone calls with the banks. While I was on the phone with Chase, I got a report of fraudulent activity from Capital One in my email. My mom had to take care of her American Express. Fortunately (haha), I never changed my old address so even though these guys attempted to use 2 of my credit cards at about 7 different gas stations in total, they were never able to charge anything without the correct zip code.
Before Tim left he insisted I call Dan since he was freaking out. Tim's assessment was that he was more terrified of the situation than I was. I'm not sure that's necessarily true. He could feel terrified, he didn't have to do anything else. I had to deal with banks asking endless security questions, trying to recall what was in my purse, filing a police report, and keeping my wits about myself so I didn't make everyone around me collapse as well. Tim also mentioned that his mom's going to find out about this at some point. He was willing to spill the news but I'd probably have to deal with it soon. Fortunately, I just had a long chat with my favorite almost MIL on Thursday so not due for another heart-to-heart very soon. I also recognized that Dan and Mike were going to be on my case next time they saw me-a correct assessment.
I did eventually pack stuff together and go back to my mom's house for the night-mainly because I needed access to a phone and didn't have anything to speak of besides 1 old credit card (thank you Chase guy for telling me to hold onto it in case of emergency) and a check book. Once at my mom's, I filed a claim with my renters insurance-I had no idea they covered property away from home too. Fortunately my tax return will cover my $500 deductible but even that won't be enough to cover the cost of replacing my iPhone. So much for a boost to my savings account. I also deactivated and requested a new Chicago Card. Wasn't easy to sleep last night...maybe got 4 hours all together but fortunately I had gotten 9 the night before so wasn't too bad (getting too much sleep is NEVER a good thing!!). Fun morning trip to the DMV especially after realizing we had to go back to my apartment first because I hadn't brought all my file folders I had set aside. Also forgot my keys but luckily my new living room roommate heard me knocking. Got yelled at by the DMV chick for not changing the address on my license when I moved last year-apparently I could have gotten a ticket for that. Overall not too miserable of an experience-didn't even have to get a new picture taken!
And then came football. I thought it would be a good release and I didn't want to let my team down so I went there after getting my new license. Mike walks towards me and gives me a hug as soon as I get there. And as I go over to the rest of the group its evident that either Tim, Sam, or Mike filled them in on everything. Dan was being a wuss and wasn't there yet but thankfully he showed up later or he would have gotten a serious talking to about me showing up despite my disastrous night whereas he let a little hangover keep him down. Playing football was fun, and for 40 minutes I kind of forgot about last night. We also won, which was awesome.
Although as recently as yesterday at approximately 10:10pm I was planning to go to Will's (our sponsor bar) with my team after the game, I suddenly had any number of other things to take care of-most urgently being my phone situation. I knew there was no way my old Blackberry would last me another 14 months and I wouldn't be able to get a phone other than the iPhone again. Thankfully customer loyalty paid off and the Cellular Connection (non-corporate Verizon store in River Forest) was able to give us a good deal which involved a complicated exchange of canceling lines, setting up new lines, switching numbers, and all sorts of fun. Having a phone back made me feel a little bit more normal although I lost all my pictures (they're on my computer/facebook for the most part but still) and any contacts I added from the time I got my iPhone. I'm still very happy I held onto the Blackberry though so at least I had some numbers! Its been a pain to download all my apps again and such (including making the find my iphone app work on the first day!!!) but it is what it is. The guy was trying to encourage me to get insurance for the phone this time but I guarantee you I will never get a phone stolen again and I'll end up getting cell phone insurance the rest of my life. I haven't decided what to do yet. It'll be at least $160 outright and will be in the mid $300s if I do have to replace my phone for any reason. Ugh, decisions, decisions.
So I had a phone and a drivers license and 1 credit card. And $35 in cash from my dad. Time for something to put them in! I had intended to ask my mom for a new wallet for my birthday this year so I bought myself a nice one, charged it to her Lord & Taylor card and decided she got my present early this year. I'm really excited about it but if God forbid something were to happen again I'd be pretty mad about losing a nicer wallet. I took wrong turns twice on the way home which added an additional 10+ minutes to the drive. Definitely distracted. Made it back in time to help Erica finish getting ready for the 8th Grade Dinner-another great distraction.
Then came my night. I was supposed to make Laura chocolate chip cookie dough cheesecake bars as her birthday treat. Not wanting to let her down, I went to Jewel and set to work at my mom's. I messed up the recipe a bit but I think they still turned out okay. Also wasn't able to refrigerate them as long as they should have been but that's fine too. After I put them in the oven, I finally got around to calling Allison. I had emailed Dan and Laura last night, called Dan, fb chatted Melissa and Laura (my friend from school I was supposed to spend the day with/was texting last night before the incident) and a few other assorted people knew from word of mouth. I hadn't responded to Allison's post on my fb wall but knew I had to tell her. That was a long conversation and she shared the terrified feelings as well. Since I wanted to stop by Laura's, I showered and scrounged up combinations of the few clothes I brought as well as my mom's and Erica's to put together a reasonably normal outfit.
It was then that I realized I wasn't wearing my rings and they were in my wallet. I take them off when I'm playing sports so that don't get damaged and I had never put them back on after volleyball on Wednesday night. I had thought about it a number of times and just never when I was within reach of my wallet I guess. For the first time since the ordeal began, I burst into tears. The only other time I came close was when I was talking to the State Farm claims agent on the phone today and he told me "I'm not supposed to show emotion or anything but I just feel really awful that this happened to you". Teared then, didn't sob. This was sobbing. I called Dan to break the news-he didn't answer so I left a marginally coherent voicemail. I called Allison again still sobbing. Dan called back while I was on the phone with her so I switched over. He said the "right" things. It doesn't matter. I'm just glad you're okay. You'll get a different and better ring soon, I promise. I knew he was hurt I wasn't wearing it and that I lost it. Other than his car I think my promise ring was the most expensive thing he's ever purchased. It was the one thing that was taken from me that truly has sentimental value that can't be replaced. He gave me the ring for my 21st birthday, just before I studied abroad. My 3 months in Poland were single-handedly the hardest point in our relationship. I was looking forward to the day when I took that ring off and put on an engagement ring and then a wedding ring instead. I wanted this to become a family heirloom that I could give to my daughter so that she understood that love was worth fighting for, as hard as it was sometimes. And I know that we still have the promise that the ring represented, but every time I look down at my empty finger, I'll think of Friday night. And every time I see Dan's ring that I gave him on his 21st birthday, I'll wish I had mine. Whenever that day comes when I do get a different ring from him, I'll miss the fact that I don't have one to swap out.
In addition to Dan's ring, I also lost my claddagh ring from my nanny, Maura. She gave me one for my first communion and then this one for my confirmation since I obviously needed a bigger ring. The claddagh ring is also a symbol of my heart being "taken". I'm not sure I'll replace that one either. Once again, the sentimental value of it is really more important to me than having the ring itself on my finger.
I did make it over to Laura's. I wasn't particularly in a socializing mood and when I got there it was very evident that everyone there knew what happened as well. People were asking me about it, excepting me to be a nutcase, basically anything other than just calm. "You're such a trooper" "I would be curled up in a ball somewhere right now". Those were the girls phrases. Dan told me off for fighting back. Mike was furious he wasn't there. Steve (Mike's friend) provided the "told you so" for not going out to drink with them. Everyone had an opinion or questions or felt the need to offer condolences or something like that. No one's response seemed to be what I needed to hear, although I'm not sure what that was. Eventually I was just over it. I knew I wasn't in the mood to socialize and since no one was else had different topics to discuss and I had nothing to offer I kept my stay pretty short.
Unfortunately that brought me back to my fear of returning to the scene of the crime. I was scared walking between my car and Laura's. But I didn't say anything. I managed. I was scared of driving back to my apartment. Even though my driver's license had the wrong address what if they somehow figured out where I live? What if they're doing something weird with my information? They could very well still be able to access anything that's stored on my phone, I have no idea. Or maybe there was something else in my purse I forgot about that might identify me more. I'm scared of walking down past the spot where it happened. I made my dad drive by it yesterday and down the alley the guys drove/escaped down but I wasn't alone or walking outside then. I can't let myself be scared of walking alone, but I am. I used to think I lived in the safest neighborhood in the city, and I still kinda think that, but what does that mean for everywhere else? Fortunately I'm moving in 4 weeks, but am I going to be scared until then? I normally park my car on that street, right near that place I was mugged frequently. I don't know how I'll walk home at night without freaking myself out. Obviously sticking to the busy streets and not talking or texting on my phone, but is that enough? How is it that I manage to walk home a couple of miles drunk and at 2am (not advocating this as a good idea, by the way) without incident but sober at 10pm on a beautiful night ends up as a disaster? I was an easy victim obviously, and I actually think I pay more attention if I've been drinking and it's late because I understand the risk is greater-or is it?
I guess I'm at a point where I don't know exactly how to deal with this. Although I talked to a detective today, realistically nothing is going to come of the case unless the car is spotted and linked to these guys. I'm sure I'll never see any of my stuff again, although that was part of the purpose of driving around-just to see if anything fell out. Other than the fear, I've experienced a whole realm of emotions. I was pissed off-both at these guys and at myself. It was so easy to think of 20 little decisions I could have made different that wouldn't have put me in that specific place at that specific time. Although if it weren't me, it would have been someone else exactly like me, and do I really wish that on some else? At least I know that I have the support system and the mental strength to get through this. I'll be scared for awhile, but not the rest of my life. I'll certainly feel better when Dan is back and I won't be walking home alone at night all the time. I'll also feel better when I move to a new apartment so my address and neighborhood are different. I'll feel better when time passes and memories fade (both mine and other people's I hope).
I don't feel like I deserved that. For all those three guys are I know, I might be helping their younger siblings, cousins, even children get a better education through my work with Big Shoulders. My monthly donations to Boys and Girls Club, Civic and Arts Foundation, Chicago Engineer Society, and St. Clements might be helping their neighbors or friends. I worked hard to get into a good college. spent a year trying to find a job, and used my own money to pay for everything they stole from me minus the gifts. Not that someone who didn't do all these things deserves to be stolen from, but still.
It also made me think, what about these guys' families? Do they have a mom or a dad or siblings who know they do this? I don't necessarily like this traditionally conservative argument, but if we can save the integrity of a family do we intrinsically help society as a whole? Do these guys think what they're doing is right? If so, how? More than anything, these types of questions are probably reflective of my Jepson education and maybe a bit of my Catholic upbringing, especially though service work.
I'm starting to understand why women who get raped are resistant to talking about it. I didn't even think twice about calling the police, but I'm not sure how comfortable I am with random people knowing about the situation. Granted, I am posting the blog now so in theory anyone and everyone could know about it. My main incentive for doing this is that I needed to tell my story to something that doesn't talk back. The dogs are still in the burbs (although we had 3 lovely outings together today!) so the blog it is. No one I've talked to seems to give a response I want to hear. People are silent, pitiful, astonished, impressed, happy that I'm okay. I think what they're all rooted in is fear though. This provided me with a strong reminder that I'm not invincible. In fact, I'm pretty vulnerable just like everyone else. But I don't really like to be reminded of that, and I don't think many people would. So if you're reading this, and have made it to the end, please don't try to talk to me about it. It was horrible, and it sucked, but going to work on Monday is going to be miserable if this is all we talk about at lunch. And every time I see someone I haven't seen since this incident happened is going to suck because they might bring it up. I'll make up excuses for why I have a new phone or wallet or whatever, just let me have them. If you do want to talk, send me a message on facebook or an email, it's easier that way and doesn't involve other parties in the conversation. Until I truly am over this, I guess I'll just keep being a trooper because honestly, what else is there to do?
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