After doing all of my research on moving in together over the summer, I’d like to think I’m somewhat of an emerging expert in the field. I’m sure I’m not, but I’m happy to share my opinion anyways. I think there are two legitimate reasons a couple should consider moving in together. The first is that you are moving in together because it seems like the next step in figuring out if you’re compatible to go the distance. The second is that you’ve already determined that you’re a match made in heaven and it is part of the natural progression of a relationship (this option may or may not come after either engagement and/or marriage).
Most people I know tend to believe either one or the other, and aren’t necessarily afraid to voice their opinion in some way. There’s the common reaction of “you’ve been together for 6 years, why haven’t you put a ring on it?” others, although relatively few others, suggest that we’re taking things too quickly, we’ve only lived together for 6 months, there’s no reason to rush into engagement, marriage, everything else right away.
I’ll admit it, I’m a little offended by the people voicing the latter opinion. To me, it’s invalidating not only the 6 years we’ve been together, but the entirety of plenty other people’s relationships-especially thinking of my friends from more conservative or religious backgrounds, or those who also faced distance as an obstacle in relationships, who never lived together before their wedding day or for a short period of time before. Have we faced hurdles while living together that couples who dated in the same city wouldn’t necessarily face? Sure. Dan didn’t know how many clothes I pull out of the closet/ dresser while trying to get dressed for the day because most of the time I was living out of a suitcase when we were together. I didn’t know how anal Dan was about putting the toilet seat lid down or putting the toilet paper roll on a particular way because we were never around each other enough to notice little habits like that. But we also have the advantage of many years of communicating through pretty much all mediums with any number of barriers, so that helps get us through those inevitable “discussions” otherwise known as fights.
And then I look at the people, the couples, I know who are getting engaged, getting married, even on occasion having children. I would say probably 75% of the people I know who got married or engaged over the past 5 years have not been together for as long as we have. Does that mean they’re taking things too quickly? Maybe, maybe not. Am I jealous? You bet. Dan and I are of the second path, we made the decision (because that’s what the commitment to be with someone is, a decision) years ago that we’re it for each other. Moving in together is a step closer to becoming what we already know we’re going to become-life partners. For us, it was more financially feasible to move in together before getting engaged (and if you caught my last post before I took it down, you’ll understand that more). So we did. And it’s been great, better than I ever anticipated. But there’s this not-so-hidden part of me that is desperate to be something more.
When my mom introduces us to her friends at a fundraising event we are “my daughter Sarah and her boyfriend Dan”. When I’m visiting his mom at the rehab center after she had a hip replacement I’m “her son’s girlfriend”. When we list each other as emergency contacts or beneficiaries or define our relationship on our lease or insurance, we’re “partners”. When one of us is invited to another’s event, we are each other’s “significant other”. Is it so wrong to want to be more than that? Should I feel guilty for wanting to have a title that more accurately describes our relationship with one another? That distinguishes us from a couple who met a few months ago and maybe has just decided to date exclusively? Boyfriend/girlfriend works there too. And I’ve been my dad’s “date” to a variety of things; don’t really want to use that title when Dan and I are at holiday Christmas parties together. I’m sure I sound whiny, and that’s fine. I should be grateful for having the loving, stable relationship that I have, and I certainly am, I know that. But sometimes, I want my relationship acknowledged for what it is too.
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