Living Alone

June and July were crazy busy for me. I literally had 6 free evenings in July to start the month (and have had less now that I'm almost done), and June wasn't much better especially when I factored in moving. In fact, I purposely brought my dog into the city in June for a week so I'd have to keep my evenings free to come take care of him and pack.

Why did I have to do this you ask? Well, I discovered during my times of periodically absent roommates that I really truly don't like living alone. This feeling was reaffirmed last night as I had my first free night in I have no idea how long. I came home from work, went to the gym and ran a couple of errands, but from 8:30 on it was just me, myself, and I. I was already getting antsy just in my three waking hours on my own last night, and I've got pretty empty evenings for the next two weeks. Now, this is partially on purpose/I'm kind of looking forward to it because I want to watch the Olympics, but I'm not particularly looking forward to doing it on my own.

Now, fingers crossed, Dan will hear on Monday that he got the job at Lewis and will hopefully be home next weekend. Then my empty schedule will be great because it'll give us time to finish settling in together and spend time actually figuring out how to be a real couple. Until then..we'll see.

Its not that I dislike independent activities. I like looking at random things online, enjoy watching my own choice of tv shows on the rare occasion, and adore reading. But for some reason, I just kind of wish there were someone else here doing these things with me. Or not even doing them with me, just here in general.

I talked to Allison about my dislike for living alone today, and she almost wished she were in my shoes. Although she's looking forward to continuing her relationship with Brian (assuming they actually get an apartment in the next few days!!!), she does wish she had the opportunity to live on her own. I really have absolutely zero desire to have that opportunity any more than I've already had it. Granted, if I hadn't had it already to some extent, maybe I would wish I had that experience?

I think maybe part of the reason I don't care to live alone is because I grew up in such a loud and crazy household that I was never alone. I remember in high school wishing I had more time to myself occasionally, but I think what I really wanted was privacy, not an empty house. I don't even remember being annoyed with having roommates in college (with maybe 1 or 2 exceptions). In fact, I really miss having someone around all the time, or at least most of the time.

The funny thing is, I'm the only person I know who has lived alone (to some extent) who hasn't liked it. So that makes me wonder if there's something inherently wrong with me that I dislike my own company, being alone with my own thoughts. I don't think that's true, but who knows. I considered this while running tonight. Although I like the idea of running with other people, I can't run as far while I'm talking so I also appreciate running alone. I keep telling Dan I want to run with him once he moves back, but I think I just really want to feel safe running at night again and I will if he comes with me. So I don't mind my own company in my own head while I'm running, but I wish there were someone to come home to. I've certainly thought about getting a pet, because that would fulfill some of that gap I feel on my own. I think there's something about the idea that no one depends on me, no one is excited to see me, no one knows where I am at any given time that makes me a little uncomfortable.

I'd have to agree with Margaret Mead on this one: "One of the oldest human needs is having someone to wonder where you are, when you don't come home at night".